My Bittersweet Long Walk

Enjoying Re:Train today. It's awesome to hear Justin Holcomb, Dave Bruskas, and Dave Helm.  They were very helpful.  I also had the privilege to give Peter and Amy a backstage tour of the Ballard Campus of Mars Hill.  They got to see how all the production gets done and the reason behind the way we do what we do.

But this week was an amazingly illuminating week:  I am selfish.

On Thursday, I officially handed off Church Cleanup to Skyler.  I have led the ministry since March of 2010.  Wow 18 months of leading the best group of servant leaders in Mars Hill.  I saw men and women go from shy first-timers to deacons, community group leaders, and Sunday team leaders.  Honestly discipleship was the best part of what I had the chance to participate in.  Pointing people to Jesus and seeing him transform them, it's the best.  People like Mike, Rod, Abby, Ginni, Woodstock, Red Bird, Fried Chicken, King Raven, Paper Crane, King Fisher, Blue Heron and all the rest (we used bird-based radio call signs).  They saw what worship looks like and they joined our little community to serve.  None of these volunteers will ever be put on stage and recognized for their selfless service, but they all deserve it.  I love these guys and gals and I was sad to leave them.  I desire for all of them to continue to make progress and grow in their faith. As much as I'd like to stick around, Skyler needs his space to own this ministry and serve these people.  I plan to be a consultant and serve him as needed, but now it's his baby. There were 33 people who came out to serve on my last night.  This is a great sign for our Fall push!
Every time I start a task, ministry, or friendship my goal is always to finish well.  I am so honored to have done just that in my conclusion to leading Church Cleanup (this is what my leadership told me, I'm not assessing myself).
I felt a desire to hold onto the ministry last night.  It's like I wanted to keep this role all for myself rather than giving it over to a great guy who loves these people.  I wanted to be selfish.

That same bittersweet night I also received a very gracious email from a friend who affirmed and redirected our friendship, yet again I felt a drive for selfishness.  What about me? To quote Pastor mark, "What about you?!"  I am really not that big of a deal.  God is a big deal, but I really think too much of myself. I mean who am I? Just another short brown kid from yet another broken home who grew up off food bank skim milk and the neighbors' extra peanut butter. God has brought Luke 22:1-23 to mind.  Pastor Dave Bruskas preached this section on August 28th.  Basically this section shows how Jesus' plan is better than my plans. Even if literal death (like the horrible death of Dave's little boy) or a figurative death is the next step.  His plan is better than mine. I am trying to believe this, but God will need to work more in my heart. I'm not saying that I am worthless and have no future.
I guess I'm just saying I need to be realistic and know my place.  After all, the definition of the word humility is literally "to know ones place".  Oh, but please don't think I'm in any way humble.  If I have ever come off as humble, just wipe that brief moment out of your mind; it was likely a deception designed to make me look pious.  Hmm, that might be the first and last time I ever use the word pious.

So with the misty feelings and fond memories being replayed in my heart, I walked all the way home to West Seattle. I put my trip into Google Earth and it said it was 11.8 miles.

I must have been walking slowly because it took me 4 hours 21 minutes to complete. I started at 11:03PM, after locking up Ballard for the last time. I just needed time to think.  Down near the Victoria Clipper, I stopped and watched a Great Blue Heron stealthily stalk fish and quickly swish in to make an amazing catch. Down past the China Shipping piers, I stopped again to chat idly to a feral cat with the foam of rabied maddness dripping from its mouth. I walked past no less than two dozen scattered homeless men and their assorted gunna. I watched a road crew clear out last year's collection of beer bottles and refuse from the little fishing spot on the Duamish River.  I walked around a gang of drunken men who had just come out of the bars and were starting to slur and sling arguments over whose motorcycle went faster.  My walk reminded me of a song by Atmosphere, Shhh:

This is for everyone around the planet
That wishes they were from somewhere other than where they standin'
Don't take it for granted, instead take a look around
Quit complaining and build something on that ground
Plant something on that ground, dance and sleep on that ground
Get on your hands and knees and watch the ants walk around

I love the patch of dirt that's mine, regardless of the hard stuff I need to wrestle with from time to time I've still got a hope and someone to talk it all out with.  But dang it! My selfishness is absolutely ridiculous.

So today I gave up the Church Cleanup set of keys to Mars Hill Ballard.  This ends my era. As I listen to some great Re:Train teaching, I must conclude that life sucks so hard and is really pretty fantastic at the same time.

The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments ['cause life goes quick, you blink and you'll miss it]